Interview for Teaching Post + Party!

Yesterday was a fairly eventful and tiring day. 

I had an interview for a teaching position at a North campus college, bunked office, rode 23 kilometers with D, was stopped by the police, put up a rotten performence at the interview and ended the day at 3 in the morning at K's fabulous farewell party. 

To begin with, I knew that I shouldnt wear my high heels and wide legged Mango pants for a DU college interview. But I still did. D came to pick me up at 10, the interview was at 11. He drove like the wind, till we were stopped by the cops when we jumped a light. We looked sheepish. They looked pleased. The cop wanted to fine D 600, but squirmed his way out and paid only 300 and we sped away again. 

At the college, D waited patiently for my turn. When it did come, he chose a spot where he could watch me through the window pane and said that I spoke confidently. But the panel asked me horrible questions for which I had a few, weak and unconvincing answers. 

What is "mode of production"?

What is "social formation"?

Define political economy. 

What is the American presidents relationship with the Congress in a globalising world. 

I was weary. I mumbled a few anwers and we left. I felt bad for D for making him stick around and waste his time. 

In the meanwhile, I had a spat with Mum about the distribution of material wealth after she left Humayun: she says she took only what which belonged to her. He says that she left him with only the junk stuff. 

We returned to the university by 5. He must have been exhausted. 

Then I slipped into my new dress from Sarojini, which cost 150 rupees and left for Kat's party. Which was such unbelievable fun! Met Shivani, Divya and her silent boyfriend, Sinjini. Sameera and whole lot of funny girls. Divya danced like Raveena Tandon, Chandan danced, like himself. We finally slept at three. I woke up at nine and scrambled for work.

But only after soaking in the palace Kat lives in on Akbar road. Its fabulous. The sheer scale of her house. 

25th July, 2009

Speaking to my sister is always a strain; am being cross examined and questioned all the time. “Did you tell Ma that I said that you are behaving like a spy?” “So is Bua going to buy him a car.” “So you know the lavish house Dada is moving into, don’t you?” “Did you tell Dada to give Ma her stuff back.” She’s dripping with resentment, of an unhappy childhood and a deep sense of being wronged. When she is told about a cousin going to New York to celebrate her birthday, her first reaction is, “Nobody ever sent me to New York.” Its eating her up, it is. This submerged feeling of being denied a luxurious life, where she would shop on Fifth Avenue and walk into the Mandarin for lunch.

 

I wanted to tell her so much: that I excited about the idea of taking up journalism and applying for a scholarship and studying the US; that I am wearing a sari without a bra today, that Dev and I are so excited about his achievements; that he bought me a pair of silver earrings to celebrate the publication of his article in The Indian Anthropologist. Nothing of that ever comes up. Sad. 

23rd July, 2009

Late for work again. I did leave on time, but when D told me that he was ill, I decided to meet him before I left. 

He came to pick me up on his motorbike and when we rode back, I realised how much I liked being with him. I was wearing a burgundy, collared shirt with buttons running down and a double string of pearls. We lay down in each others arms and kissed for a long time. I tried not to look at my watch. I was late anyway. We tried to make love. Well, not tried. We wanted to make love, but I hate taking the emergence pill and we broke away. It was twelve by the time I reached work and I walked in nervously, but the editor said nothing. Relief. 

Am more confused than ever about him, love and marriage. I like him, I do. I know he loves me with an intensity and determination which is frightening. I know he has a bright future, than what holds me back?

At work, I downloaded a few good books. Scruton’s A Short History of Modern Philosophy. I need to start studying seriously for the exams in October. This morning I began studying Kant. 

 

Yesterday, I spent some money impulsively on myself: bought a pair of thin silver bangles and felt pleased and proud. Have spent an unprecedented sum of money on myself this month: a pair of trousers from Mango, silver bangles and now I am lusting for a pair of black pumps.

 

Also finished Mistry’s A Fine Balance. Am inconsolable after completing it. A terrific writer he is. 

What I need to be:

Determined. 

Hardworking.

Studious.

Focused. 

14th July 2009

Managed to be at work on time today. Wore my red sneakers after a long time and felt a strange sense of nostaligia. The jeans and the casual shirt were what I lived in while I was an undergraduate. Its odd, at times we change rapidly enough not to recognise the changes we are going through. 

After last night's draining conversation with D about "not being able to be in a relationship", I felt a degree of liberation. but also, a moment of regret. I am giving away a lovely man and a lovely relationship and a university romance. Only because everytime, I am with him, while I enjoy his company and attention, something within me rebels. It is odd. I cant understand myself. What is it that I truly want. 

At work, I decided to take a nap in the bathroom. If anyone EVER knew about this, they would be horrified at the way I sit on my haunches and have a deep sleep. But anyone who had a tiring night and was woken up at six, would see how I could sleep this easily. 

In the meantime, am struggling with my Ph.d synopsis. Have decided loosely to work on FTA's but am not wondering if I have serious research questions on the matter or now. Also want to start writing for Mainstream and World Affairs.